


Please Don't Say You Love Me

by juiceboxjellyfish



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Carry On Countdown (Simon Snow), Carry On Countdown 2019, Established Relationship, Fluff, Love Confessions, M/M, Not Wayward Son Compliant, Post-Book: Carry On, Prompt: Song/Music inspired, Simon Snow Is Bad at Feelings, or at words at least
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-06
Updated: 2019-12-06
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:13:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21695188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juiceboxjellyfish/pseuds/juiceboxjellyfish
Summary: Simon likes Baz so much. He wants to spend his whole life with him, but he's still scared of those three words. What if Baz says them first and he's not ready to say them back?
Relationships: Penelope Bunce & Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 12
Kudos: 75
Collections: Carry On Countdown 2019





	Please Don't Say You Love Me

**Author's Note:**

> Based, as the title suggests, on the song Please Don't Say You Love Me.

SIMON

The most shocking part of my relationship with Baz (except for, well, its existence) is the fact that he’s such a romantic. Though considering the fact that we went from enemies to boyfriends in the span of a few months without ever really being friends, I might not have judged him that fairly. You don’t generally fantasise about going on dates with your rivals, do you? (I suppose Baz did. But that’s an exception.)

We’re sitting at an outdoor table at some restaurant I’ve never heard of, eating dishes I could barely pronounce well enough to order. The sun set while we ate, and there’s a hint of red at the horizon that’s yet to be swallowed by the inky black sky. The tables are lit by lanterns and fairy lights, and there are tiny spots of light all around us. Baz’s hand is resting on the table and for a moment I think that if I grabbed it, it would be just like the first time we held hands. The two of us, connected, surrounded by stars. The stars were magickal then. These are just fairy lights, but what’s the difference, really? I’ve lost my magic, but I haven’t lost Baz. If it’s up to me, I’ll never lose Baz. The first time we held hands, I pulled back so early. He tried to stop me. 

“No”, he said “I want to look at the stars.” If I could do it over now, I’d let him. 

He looks at me with such adoration. I’ll never understand how he, how anyone, could feel that much for me. And for so long. He’s looking at me like that right now, and the night is perfect, and he’s perfect, and just for a moment, I feel perfect too. I grab his hand and he looks at me like I’m his world. He’s mine.

“It was perfect! It was like something out of a movie, Penny! He looked at me like he does and I though about how I want to be with him forever and then he opened his mouth and all I could think was _please don’t say it_ ”, I say. Penny’s never as invested in mine and Baz’s relationship as I want her to be, but she listens anyway. 

“Please don’t say what?”, she asks.

“That he loves me.”

She turns away from the TV to actually face me.

“Why don’t you want that?”

“I don’t know”, I sigh. “I feel like I wouldn’t be able to say it back. Not because I don’t… feel it, but it’s just… I don’t know. It feels hard.”

“But you do love him, right?”

I feel my face heat up, and turn to the TV.

“I- I mean…I think so? I like him more than anyone else, no offence Penny, and I never want to live without him.”

“So why not say it?”

“You know how I am with words! I hate labelling things. I still haven’t even decided if I should call myself gay and I’ve been dating Baz for over a year!”

“That’s different.”

“Is it really? It’s me, not using my words. It’s what I always do.”

“I don’t have an answer here, Simon. Sorry. This is between you and Baz.”

There are so many moments when it feels like the words are just hanging in the air, like I could reach out and touch them if I wanted to. So many perfectly planned dates, so many dazed looks after kisses, so many late-night conversations where our filters are weakened. We miss so many perfect opportunities that I nearly convince myself he isn't ready either. When he actually says it, it’s completely unexpected. We’re walking through the park when it starts raining. Neither of us have an umbrella, and Baz makes a pointless attempt to shield his hair from the rain with his arms. I instinctively stretch my wing out over his head. The sudden protection confuses him (which is fair enough considering Penny spells the wings invisible every time I leave the house) until he looks over at me. 

“I love you”, he breathes, so suddenly I’m sure he surprises himself. 

“Oh”, I respond. And then, realising I pulled my wing back from the shock, “sorry!”

We stare at each other in silence. He’s waiting for a response, and I don’t know what to do.

“That’s not how I was planning to say that”, he says. “but it’s true, so I’m standing by it. I love you, Simon.”

There’s more silence. We’ve stopped walking, and my hair is dripping by now. 

“Simon?”

“Yeah. Um, well… I… I’m not… I don’t think I’m ready to… You know how I am with… words” I say, more to my feet than to Baz. To my surprise, he chuckles. 

“Simon. Look at me. It’s okay.”

“What?”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to say it back.”

“Really?”

“I’ve known since I was fifteen, I’ve had a lot of time to process it. Besides, I know how you are with words. It’s fine.”

I do love him. Especially right now, I love him. So much. I push him closer to me with my wing and kiss him, and it’s so good. It’s always so good. I grin at him when I pull away. 

“Well, now I’m wet anyway”, he states. “You’re a terrible umbrella, Snow.”

“I like you so much”, I respond. He chuckles again, and pulls me into another kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment if you liked it, as I love to read them!


End file.
